Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
