I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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