I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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