it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
