The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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