Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
