I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Found the puke drawer
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
