i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
