Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
