Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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