I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
