last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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