apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Drunk is a universal language darling
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Randomize
