i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
