I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I didn't notice because vodka
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
