the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
