Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
