He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
