I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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