if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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