this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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