Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Some Animals Are Total Jerks (10+ pics)
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.