That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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