I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
