I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
