please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
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He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
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Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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