oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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