take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
My life is pants optional.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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