Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize