1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.