it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep