theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
