dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
