im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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