What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
