Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
