After last night, I could never be a politician.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Randomize
