Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
you are never too drunk for berry picking
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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