it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
