I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
