Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
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when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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