I just threw up on my dentist
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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