very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
