I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
