So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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