She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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