Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
