She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Randomize
