there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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