He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
