The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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