my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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