Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
