i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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