I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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