It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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