Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
