Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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