i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Randomize
