Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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